My friend Alisa said it so perfectly, how her mom was amazing and showed up as a great mom. How mothers day is hard for her because she feel that she doesn't show up for her kids. How she was not there for them how her mom was for her. How she didn't have the wisdom to slow down. And how she had overrun herself because rasing children is hard.
I feel the same. I have not showed up for my older kids the way I wish I had. PP depression and rage have taken me over. They displayed themselves really strongly after Iris was born and I have been a raging mom ever since. Its not to say I haven't been loving or kind or wonderful. I have had wonderful moments. I am a fabulous mother up until the age of 2 or 2 1/2. But after that, I lose it. Yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting, the whole shabang. I am probably being hard on myself, but I need to face this head on. I am not the mom I want to be and I don't believe that my best is good enough. Enough for my own expectations of what a mother should be.
My patience levels are too short. I am far from the pinterest perfect mom. My kids have learned their bad habits from me. Especially Lily and Iris. I am so sorry for all the hurt I have caused them beause of my own limitations. I don't expect perfection from myself. But I do expect myself to not hit or scream at them. That crosses my own boundaries. I hope from this day on I never do it again. I love my kids. And I lack the love deserve for myself. I reach and I reach for it through self-care and personal development.
Today, I ackowledge PPD, and PP rage. It has affected me as a mother and it has affected my kids and my husband. It has affected my marriage. And it has impacted inescurities. This is not the last psychotic and depressive episode. I need a plan to work through this. I can choose something different, moment by moment. day by day.
I have to acknowledge this too. I am in a phase of life where I don't have all the time I want/ Where I have little children who always need me. And Its not alwaysgoing to be this way. As hard as my thoughts make it, there are things I can enjoy. If any of my kids were gone, then I would miss them SO much! And if I can keep that in my mind, then it could help in the moment.
Monday, May 11, 2020
Mothers day 2020 and K1 darkening everything else
My sister was in town this weekend and I absolutely loved spending time with them. We gor out and hiked 2 days in a row. The girls got to play with their cousins. Honestly, it was a wonderful weekend. But every night for the last 3 nights, around 9 PM, my mood has completely shifted from feeling ok to upset, overwhelmed, and angry. Mostly towards Creighton. And I want to blame him. and in my mind, i am thinking thoughts that create mor anger and resentment toward my husband.
Why do I feel so intensely upset!? The emotions stack up so freaking quickly. And it leads to thoughts of wanting a separation. Tonight, it started with my feeling resentful that Creighton didn't make me breakfast in bed. But the resentment didn't trigger until Creighton's mom said something. And then my mind got all worked up and there the emotion was created. I tried to kiss him and his response was the awkward, "thanks... for kissing me". I don't really blame him, though i want to. I don't like the feeling of all my emotions rising around 9 or 10 at night with all the negative thoughts i have been harboring and making themself present. It feels bipolar to be honest. Then I go into this crying rage while Creighton tries to fix this. He isn't able to fix this. Something is wrong with me. Its not that cleansing releasing cry. Its the I want to die but not really cry because life is too hard.
So last night, I was in the kitchen crying sitting on the floor while my head was buried in my knees. I could feel anxiousness with the hyperventilating short breathes. No one was going to be able to help me. In my emotional rage, I was punching my quadriceps. My body responded with a please stop. Once he went to bed, which was probably best because I was NOT okay. Because I was not okay, nothing was okay. I sank further into the floor and further into the depths of despair. In the midst of this, The voice came telling me I needed to get up. That staying there was not going to help me. That even watching a TV show would help me more than staying. (Because I don't normally watch TV at night or during the day. My kids do and my husband does, but its not my usualy thing. And I like to watch uplifting inspiring movies or shows.) The voice said that my kids needed me. And to cast out. The Thoughts kept coming that I wanted to die. And it followed with me correcting it telling myself I didn't actually want to die, but I wanted to escape for a long time and disappear. And that followed with, "that is not yours.. you need to cast out..." (But I can't I said, its too hard). I did cast out. It felt like a male presense, an angel I think. But I couldn't feel the light because my vibration was so low. I felt a desire to write, write out my experience because at some point, I can use this to help someone. But at this moment, I needed to help ME. I forced myself to stand up and melted into the couch with the computer. and I fell asleep while trying to type. Once I casted out, I was able to get up and go to the couch.
At some point in the night, I know that Creighton came out to the couch. I was pretty asleep but I woke up enough to know he was there. I could feel a gentleness about his presense. And then after deciding it was best to leave me there, he went back to bed.
In all of this, I am realizing something. I harboring a LOT of negative beliefs right now. The beliefs that my marriage is not repairable. That Creighton doesn't love me. That he is not able to help me. And I am holding onto too many negative thoughts in the hopes that I won't let them happen again. But if they do in the smallest degree, I am severely triggered. Like when I gently said that Ratfink is not my favorite thing and C felt hurt or like his idea was shut down- that triggered that belief and thoughts and emotions how I am not able to epxress my opinion. That it's not safe. This stuff, I don't know that I am ready to heal from it. And it is so engrained in me right now. It's imprinted into my emotional DNA. I have so much resentment towards motherhood, even though love my kids and I want what is best for them, which I don't usually think is ME.
And this is why I don't have a coaching program. Because I haven't figured out my crap or much of it. What I do have figured out it this. I KNOW to own my own thoughts and emotions. I know that emotions are not bad and to not judge myself in them. I am the thinker of my thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. I am a queen and I deserve love an respect. I feel better when I stand up for myself and stand in my power and claim my throne. I feel better when I do what I want, which is self-care.
I also need to own this. I have been a victim of depression and anger. I feel depressed a lot. And very little do I feel true excitement an true joy. I function because I take steps to functioning. Because I have people who need me. I have to rise up. They give me a purpose, but I desire a greater purpose to rise up.
4/12/20
I also realize this: That intense energy was not mine. It was also generational. It was 4 nights of this, though last night was less intense. I think it was an ancestor going back 5 generations- maternal but I can't find her. I'll have to ask for those names.
she came for help because she suffered as a child and never fully recovered. SHe doesn't know how to recover. She knows you do, but realized how affected you were that she retreated back. She needs help. release a few energies and send her to christ.
1. despair anchor-lust, fear, terror-age 13: excess toxic adrenalin:
2. family pattern: lust, panic, usnupported:
Why do I feel so intensely upset!? The emotions stack up so freaking quickly. And it leads to thoughts of wanting a separation. Tonight, it started with my feeling resentful that Creighton didn't make me breakfast in bed. But the resentment didn't trigger until Creighton's mom said something. And then my mind got all worked up and there the emotion was created. I tried to kiss him and his response was the awkward, "thanks... for kissing me". I don't really blame him, though i want to. I don't like the feeling of all my emotions rising around 9 or 10 at night with all the negative thoughts i have been harboring and making themself present. It feels bipolar to be honest. Then I go into this crying rage while Creighton tries to fix this. He isn't able to fix this. Something is wrong with me. Its not that cleansing releasing cry. Its the I want to die but not really cry because life is too hard.
So last night, I was in the kitchen crying sitting on the floor while my head was buried in my knees. I could feel anxiousness with the hyperventilating short breathes. No one was going to be able to help me. In my emotional rage, I was punching my quadriceps. My body responded with a please stop. Once he went to bed, which was probably best because I was NOT okay. Because I was not okay, nothing was okay. I sank further into the floor and further into the depths of despair. In the midst of this, The voice came telling me I needed to get up. That staying there was not going to help me. That even watching a TV show would help me more than staying. (Because I don't normally watch TV at night or during the day. My kids do and my husband does, but its not my usualy thing. And I like to watch uplifting inspiring movies or shows.) The voice said that my kids needed me. And to cast out. The Thoughts kept coming that I wanted to die. And it followed with me correcting it telling myself I didn't actually want to die, but I wanted to escape for a long time and disappear. And that followed with, "that is not yours.. you need to cast out..." (But I can't I said, its too hard). I did cast out. It felt like a male presense, an angel I think. But I couldn't feel the light because my vibration was so low. I felt a desire to write, write out my experience because at some point, I can use this to help someone. But at this moment, I needed to help ME. I forced myself to stand up and melted into the couch with the computer. and I fell asleep while trying to type. Once I casted out, I was able to get up and go to the couch.
At some point in the night, I know that Creighton came out to the couch. I was pretty asleep but I woke up enough to know he was there. I could feel a gentleness about his presense. And then after deciding it was best to leave me there, he went back to bed.
In all of this, I am realizing something. I harboring a LOT of negative beliefs right now. The beliefs that my marriage is not repairable. That Creighton doesn't love me. That he is not able to help me. And I am holding onto too many negative thoughts in the hopes that I won't let them happen again. But if they do in the smallest degree, I am severely triggered. Like when I gently said that Ratfink is not my favorite thing and C felt hurt or like his idea was shut down- that triggered that belief and thoughts and emotions how I am not able to epxress my opinion. That it's not safe. This stuff, I don't know that I am ready to heal from it. And it is so engrained in me right now. It's imprinted into my emotional DNA. I have so much resentment towards motherhood, even though love my kids and I want what is best for them, which I don't usually think is ME.
And this is why I don't have a coaching program. Because I haven't figured out my crap or much of it. What I do have figured out it this. I KNOW to own my own thoughts and emotions. I know that emotions are not bad and to not judge myself in them. I am the thinker of my thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. I am a queen and I deserve love an respect. I feel better when I stand up for myself and stand in my power and claim my throne. I feel better when I do what I want, which is self-care.
I also need to own this. I have been a victim of depression and anger. I feel depressed a lot. And very little do I feel true excitement an true joy. I function because I take steps to functioning. Because I have people who need me. I have to rise up. They give me a purpose, but I desire a greater purpose to rise up.
4/12/20
I also realize this: That intense energy was not mine. It was also generational. It was 4 nights of this, though last night was less intense. I think it was an ancestor going back 5 generations- maternal but I can't find her. I'll have to ask for those names.
she came for help because she suffered as a child and never fully recovered. SHe doesn't know how to recover. She knows you do, but realized how affected you were that she retreated back. She needs help. release a few energies and send her to christ.
1. despair anchor-lust, fear, terror-age 13: excess toxic adrenalin:
2. family pattern: lust, panic, usnupported:
Monday, May 4, 2020
Stories of influence
Don't wait to take care of your health. Don't wait until January 1st! Take actions today. One small step at a time in the right direction.
My husband went to the ER last week on Tuesay night. He was having intense abdominal pain for about 2 days. We did contact a wellness center and got medications. But at midnight, his pain was just too intense. Whether or not he manifested them finding "nothing wrong", that's what happened after a blood test, ultrasound, and CT scan.
We got to the ER around 12:30 AM. He got admitted right away. WIth it being covid-19... we both had to wear a mask. I was resistant, but being where I was, I didn't have a choice. My husband was mentally our of it because of the pain he had been having. So I was left caring for the kids and my husband. and all the things while maintaining a business.
We went into the ER room. It was cold in there. And the walls were stark white. They started him on an IV right away. He super dehydrated beause he feared eating and drinking during the day for fear of the pain. Had I realized this, I would have forced him to take sips. He used up all the fluids from the IV. THey gave him morphine and zofran for the nausea. It gave his mouth a metallic taste. The nurse who did the blood test after that so quick with it. It was fascinating to watch really.
They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything. But it was interesting how all of a sudden, C became aware of his own body. Then we went back to the room and got really sleepy. They did a CT scan. and nothing. They sent us home at 3 AM with no results. That for me frustrating because it was only according what the machines said. He was "fine". Clearly he wasn't fine. Clearly, something was wrong. That's why I love energy medicine. Because it can help to see what is actually going on and improve your health little little by little.
His ER bill came out to $9747.24. Our portion is $1227.69. Its worth it to spend a little extra money to take care of your health! On organic foods, massages, accupuncture, energy work, exercise passes. It's worth it to take time to exercise and make nourishing meals. Its worth it to get outside and connect to nature. It's worth it to do the inner work so you are more stable and happy emotionally and healthier physically!
Creighton almost lives off of pizza, ice cream, candies, and whatever else his cravings want. But there are consequences when we don't deal with our emotional stuff and emotionally eat! So if you reading this, learn this now: its better take care of you now so you don't have to pay the consequences later.
Don't break your own boundaries:
Have you felt like you needed to take care of you? And you felt like you couldn't? Or you chose not to because it felt inconvenient? I have felt like this a lot in my life. especially as a mother. My most recent example is from Saturday. I had planned for 2 weeks to do a zoom call with other writers- I am writing a book! EEK! SO Saturday rolls around. We do our family stuff. We did a fun hike. We came home. C rested while I played with the kids and made dinner. That lead to clean-up and bedtime. Bed time was not going well. My kids just wanted to be awake. And they were so cute and silly, but MOMMY needed for mommy. So I kinda lost it my kids. Well.. 7 rolls around. I finally got to the call at 7:30. River was in my room and he got his fingers pinched and internally I lost it. I imploded and told my husband I was feeling unsupported. He already wasnt feeling great, I felt angry and frustrated and upset. That I couldn't even get myself to go back onto the call. I was so upset. I gave up. I gave into the beleif I couldn't do it tonight.
I broke my own boundry. not my husband. Not my kids. ME. Not granted there are many times where we don't have a choice. I did this time. I could have asked my husband to help. But I didn't. And the emotions stacked up. I then felt discouraged and depressed. Set a boundary for your self care and do it. You will feel so much better.
On the other hand,
Saturday morning, I went to go exercise with Rachel. And it felt glorious. The sun was out. It was warm! And cool! and fun! It still wasn't easy to get out of my house. My bbaby wanted me. My daughter wanted to come. I got my kids breakfast. It felt really hard just to get out and do it. and it would have been easier to not go. But I knew that by doing it, I would feel better. And as result, create more happiness in my home.
Also, on Thursday, I knew C needed to go to his mom's house. There, he could rest and relax. and I could rest and relax. He was playing the victim mostly bc he didn't feel good. But when he left, I was able to get my house in order. I had a girls evening with my cooking club friend. RAchel came over we had kambucha and chocolate. And we geeked on rocks and just talked. It felt so amazing. An I felt revived. restored. I felt like ME again.
My husband went to the ER last week on Tuesay night. He was having intense abdominal pain for about 2 days. We did contact a wellness center and got medications. But at midnight, his pain was just too intense. Whether or not he manifested them finding "nothing wrong", that's what happened after a blood test, ultrasound, and CT scan.
We got to the ER around 12:30 AM. He got admitted right away. WIth it being covid-19... we both had to wear a mask. I was resistant, but being where I was, I didn't have a choice. My husband was mentally our of it because of the pain he had been having. So I was left caring for the kids and my husband. and all the things while maintaining a business.
We went into the ER room. It was cold in there. And the walls were stark white. They started him on an IV right away. He super dehydrated beause he feared eating and drinking during the day for fear of the pain. Had I realized this, I would have forced him to take sips. He used up all the fluids from the IV. THey gave him morphine and zofran for the nausea. It gave his mouth a metallic taste. The nurse who did the blood test after that so quick with it. It was fascinating to watch really.
They did an ultrasound and didn't see anything. But it was interesting how all of a sudden, C became aware of his own body. Then we went back to the room and got really sleepy. They did a CT scan. and nothing. They sent us home at 3 AM with no results. That for me frustrating because it was only according what the machines said. He was "fine". Clearly he wasn't fine. Clearly, something was wrong. That's why I love energy medicine. Because it can help to see what is actually going on and improve your health little little by little.
His ER bill came out to $9747.24. Our portion is $1227.69. Its worth it to spend a little extra money to take care of your health! On organic foods, massages, accupuncture, energy work, exercise passes. It's worth it to take time to exercise and make nourishing meals. Its worth it to get outside and connect to nature. It's worth it to do the inner work so you are more stable and happy emotionally and healthier physically!
Creighton almost lives off of pizza, ice cream, candies, and whatever else his cravings want. But there are consequences when we don't deal with our emotional stuff and emotionally eat! So if you reading this, learn this now: its better take care of you now so you don't have to pay the consequences later.
Don't break your own boundaries:
Have you felt like you needed to take care of you? And you felt like you couldn't? Or you chose not to because it felt inconvenient? I have felt like this a lot in my life. especially as a mother. My most recent example is from Saturday. I had planned for 2 weeks to do a zoom call with other writers- I am writing a book! EEK! SO Saturday rolls around. We do our family stuff. We did a fun hike. We came home. C rested while I played with the kids and made dinner. That lead to clean-up and bedtime. Bed time was not going well. My kids just wanted to be awake. And they were so cute and silly, but MOMMY needed for mommy. So I kinda lost it my kids. Well.. 7 rolls around. I finally got to the call at 7:30. River was in my room and he got his fingers pinched and internally I lost it. I imploded and told my husband I was feeling unsupported. He already wasnt feeling great, I felt angry and frustrated and upset. That I couldn't even get myself to go back onto the call. I was so upset. I gave up. I gave into the beleif I couldn't do it tonight.
I broke my own boundry. not my husband. Not my kids. ME. Not granted there are many times where we don't have a choice. I did this time. I could have asked my husband to help. But I didn't. And the emotions stacked up. I then felt discouraged and depressed. Set a boundary for your self care and do it. You will feel so much better.
On the other hand,
Saturday morning, I went to go exercise with Rachel. And it felt glorious. The sun was out. It was warm! And cool! and fun! It still wasn't easy to get out of my house. My bbaby wanted me. My daughter wanted to come. I got my kids breakfast. It felt really hard just to get out and do it. and it would have been easier to not go. But I knew that by doing it, I would feel better. And as result, create more happiness in my home.
Also, on Thursday, I knew C needed to go to his mom's house. There, he could rest and relax. and I could rest and relax. He was playing the victim mostly bc he didn't feel good. But when he left, I was able to get my house in order. I had a girls evening with my cooking club friend. RAchel came over we had kambucha and chocolate. And we geeked on rocks and just talked. It felt so amazing. An I felt revived. restored. I felt like ME again.
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