My sister was in town this weekend and I absolutely loved spending time with them. We gor out and hiked 2 days in a row. The girls got to play with their cousins. Honestly, it was a wonderful weekend. But every night for the last 3 nights, around 9 PM, my mood has completely shifted from feeling ok to upset, overwhelmed, and angry. Mostly towards Creighton. And I want to blame him. and in my mind, i am thinking thoughts that create mor anger and resentment toward my husband.
Why do I feel so intensely upset!? The emotions stack up so freaking quickly. And it leads to thoughts of wanting a separation. Tonight, it started with my feeling resentful that Creighton didn't make me breakfast in bed. But the resentment didn't trigger until Creighton's mom said something. And then my mind got all worked up and there the emotion was created. I tried to kiss him and his response was the awkward, "thanks... for kissing me". I don't really blame him, though i want to. I don't like the feeling of all my emotions rising around 9 or 10 at night with all the negative thoughts i have been harboring and making themself present. It feels bipolar to be honest. Then I go into this crying rage while Creighton tries to fix this. He isn't able to fix this. Something is wrong with me. Its not that cleansing releasing cry. Its the I want to die but not really cry because life is too hard.
So last night, I was in the kitchen crying sitting on the floor while my head was buried in my knees. I could feel anxiousness with the hyperventilating short breathes. No one was going to be able to help me. In my emotional rage, I was punching my quadriceps. My body responded with a please stop. Once he went to bed, which was probably best because I was NOT okay. Because I was not okay, nothing was okay. I sank further into the floor and further into the depths of despair. In the midst of this, The voice came telling me I needed to get up. That staying there was not going to help me. That even watching a TV show would help me more than staying. (Because I don't normally watch TV at night or during the day. My kids do and my husband does, but its not my usualy thing. And I like to watch uplifting inspiring movies or shows.) The voice said that my kids needed me. And to cast out. The Thoughts kept coming that I wanted to die. And it followed with me correcting it telling myself I didn't actually want to die, but I wanted to escape for a long time and disappear. And that followed with, "that is not yours.. you need to cast out..." (But I can't I said, its too hard). I did cast out. It felt like a male presense, an angel I think. But I couldn't feel the light because my vibration was so low. I felt a desire to write, write out my experience because at some point, I can use this to help someone. But at this moment, I needed to help ME. I forced myself to stand up and melted into the couch with the computer. and I fell asleep while trying to type. Once I casted out, I was able to get up and go to the couch.
At some point in the night, I know that Creighton came out to the couch. I was pretty asleep but I woke up enough to know he was there. I could feel a gentleness about his presense. And then after deciding it was best to leave me there, he went back to bed.
In all of this, I am realizing something. I harboring a LOT of negative beliefs right now. The beliefs that my marriage is not repairable. That Creighton doesn't love me. That he is not able to help me. And I am holding onto too many negative thoughts in the hopes that I won't let them happen again. But if they do in the smallest degree, I am severely triggered. Like when I gently said that Ratfink is not my favorite thing and C felt hurt or like his idea was shut down- that triggered that belief and thoughts and emotions how I am not able to epxress my opinion. That it's not safe. This stuff, I don't know that I am ready to heal from it. And it is so engrained in me right now. It's imprinted into my emotional DNA. I have so much resentment towards motherhood, even though love my kids and I want what is best for them, which I don't usually think is ME.
And this is why I don't have a coaching program. Because I haven't figured out my crap or much of it. What I do have figured out it this. I KNOW to own my own thoughts and emotions. I know that emotions are not bad and to not judge myself in them. I am the thinker of my thoughts, but I am not my thoughts. I am a queen and I deserve love an respect. I feel better when I stand up for myself and stand in my power and claim my throne. I feel better when I do what I want, which is self-care.
I also need to own this. I have been a victim of depression and anger. I feel depressed a lot. And very little do I feel true excitement an true joy. I function because I take steps to functioning. Because I have people who need me. I have to rise up. They give me a purpose, but I desire a greater purpose to rise up.
4/12/20
I also realize this: That intense energy was not mine. It was also generational. It was 4 nights of this, though last night was less intense. I think it was an ancestor going back 5 generations- maternal but I can't find her. I'll have to ask for those names.
she came for help because she suffered as a child and never fully recovered. SHe doesn't know how to recover. She knows you do, but realized how affected you were that she retreated back. She needs help. release a few energies and send her to christ.
1. despair anchor-lust, fear, terror-age 13: excess toxic adrenalin:
2. family pattern: lust, panic, usnupported:
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