My friend Alisa said it so perfectly, how her mom was amazing and showed up as a great mom. How mothers day is hard for her because she feel that she doesn't show up for her kids. How she was not there for them how her mom was for her. How she didn't have the wisdom to slow down. And how she had overrun herself because rasing children is hard.

I feel the same. I have not showed up for my older kids the way I wish I had. PP depression and rage have taken me over. They displayed themselves really strongly after Iris was born and I have been a raging mom ever since. Its not to say I haven't been loving or kind or wonderful. I have had wonderful moments. I am a fabulous mother up until the age of 2 or 2 1/2. But after that, I lose it. Yelling, screaming, swearing, hitting, the whole shabang. I am probably being hard on myself, but I need to face this head on. I am not the mom I want to be and I don't believe that my best is good enough. Enough for my own expectations of what a mother should be.

My patience levels are too short. I am far from the pinterest perfect mom. My kids have learned their bad habits from me. Especially Lily and Iris. I am so sorry for all the hurt I have caused them beause of my own limitations. I don't expect perfection from myself. But I do expect myself to not hit or scream at them. That crosses my own boundaries. I hope from this day on I never do it again. I love my kids. And I lack the love deserve for myself. I reach and I reach for it through self-care and personal development.

Today, I ackowledge PPD, and PP rage. It has affected me as a mother and it has affected my kids and my husband. It has affected my marriage. And it has impacted inescurities. This is not the last psychotic and depressive episode. I need a plan to work through this. I can choose something different, moment by moment. day by day.

I have to acknowledge this too. I am in a phase of life where I don't have all the time I want/ Where I have little children who always need me. And Its not alwaysgoing to be this way. As hard as my thoughts make it, there are things I can enjoy. If any of my kids were gone, then I would miss them SO much! And if I can keep that in my mind, then it could help in the moment.